Memories

I found out yesterday my friend is having a girl. It brought back so many memories of the day we found out you were a girl, a wonderful and tainted memory. It was the same day we found out you weren't going to live. I called mom cause I needed to talk, We talked about all the good memories we had. The first time you moved, the first time you moved enough I saw it through my shirt, The reaction your daddy had finally, picking me up, spinning me around and saying "we're having a baby" with this huge goofy grin. The first time that he felt you move, again with the big goofy grin, it was adorable. Everyone's reactions when they found out we were having a baby. I don't think I'll ever forget them.

Then we talked about how amazing it is, the amount of details I remember about both the day we found out and the day you were born. They were both wonderful and painful memories, but I like thinking back. I'm glad my memories of you are so detailed because they're what I'll go on for the rest of my life.

Having you made me realize how lucky I am though. In my whole life I've never really lost anything. I lost Jesse which was hard, she'd been our dog since before I was born. I still talk to my best friend from elementary school, we're not very close anymore but we're still friends. Never really lost a boyfriend either, we may have broken up but the good one I stayed friends with. She showed me what it was to lose and what it was to appreciate the little things, like feeling you move and being able to see and hold you. A lot of people that lose children when they're babes probably don't even get that much. t made me appreciate the time that I did have with you.

Good night angel, love you always. Mommy