Emotions

Well baby girl you would have been four weeks old today. It's weird to think you were born that long ago. It's also weird to think I almost felt more together emotionally then than
I do now. For some reason I feel like I have no control. I've been doing really well emotionally and then last night I couldn't find a shirt and I was so frustrated I was shaking and when your daddy tried to help I got so angry at him for telling me to calm down. I yelled, I actually yelled at him for trying to comfort me. I don't know what's wrong with me lately, I feel like I have no control over my emotions. I feel like they are more wild than ever my brain can't decide if it's depressed or wants to go on a rampage. Last night after we calmed down and went to bed I just started bawling and all the things I had in my head just started to poor out, I'm sure your dad didn't understand half of what I was saying. And honestly I don't even remember half of what I said. I told him everything I've been thinking, about being jealous of so many people and how I hate that so many people I know are having babies around me. I told him that so many of the things people say to make me feel better just confuse me. Like everything happens for a reason or it was gods plan, or the one that's bee bothering me most lately, there are many versions but it's simply that we get challenges to make us stronger... stronger for what? What am I being prepared for? Because I'm pretty sure that if it's worse than losing you it's not worth it.

Lately the thought pops into my head is about wondering when I'll e ready to try for a baby again, but it worries me so much that something like this will happen again. I had a terrible dream the other night, at least I think it was a dream, that your dad and I waited longer than we thought to try again and I got in a terrible car accident that scrambled my insides and though nothing else was wrong I would never be able to have children again. That thought scares me so bad... :) I want you to have siblings

I started work today, figured it would be good for me, but I have never not liked office work so much in my life. I answer the phones, but I don't get to help anyone I just figure out who to transfer the call to so they can help. and normally I file, I love filing but I didn't get to do that either, I got to put papers in alphabetical order so someone else can file... I feel so useless and like I'm getting nothing done. :) I doodled your name a few ties when I was bored lol I don't think I've ever written anything so beautiful in cursive in my life. It just came so naturally for some reason.

Well angel I'm going to spend some time with your daddy... not yelling tonight :D I love you always and forever. Sorry all I do is rant to you, you make me feel better. Good night my baby girl