June 8th 2010 2:18am

Not sure how to start this... I'm sitting here thinking of you baby girl. Wondering what I could have done, and what I can do now. You were born May 13th at 10 am exactly. You were 2 pounds and 8 ounces but 14 inches long. :) You had your daddy's lips and hands and my nose and feet. You were so beautiful baby. You were born 10 days after my birthday and 10 days before your mine and your daddy's anniversary. It was as if you planned it that way. your grandma wanted me to go to the doctor while I was there, and even though something inside me told me she was right I didn't want her to be, because if she was right I would get less time with you that I planned. In my head I still had two months with you. Your dad rushed home to take me into the doctor where they confirmed my fears. my water was leaking and you had to be delivered soon. So we called the family who rushed out to see us and you. The nurse we had at first was nice but she looked sad and I was trying to be positive. The doctor came to see me and my water actually broke for the first time then. they moved us into a bigger room knowing we had lots of people coming. pretty soon grandma and donkey were there, which made me relieved now that they were there things could go as fast as they like but for some reason I wasn't cramping like a should. It was painful I'll admit but nothing how I imagined it. Everyone got there and it was all just a waiting game. I could still feel you moving around inside me and it was comforting, as long as you would keep fighting so would i. The doctor came and checked me the next morning and my water broke again. Now things were moving fast and I was scared, scared to give birth scared of what you would look like, scared how long you would be with us. At this point I couldn't feel you but the last time they checked your heart it was slower than before. At that point I knew I probably wouldn't get to feel you squirm in my arms or have you look at me. The time came for me to push and I was so scared. Grandma watched you be born and told me you had big eyes. as soon as you were the world went silent. You weren't moving and I knew you were already gone, the nurse only confirmed it. They wrapped you in a blanket and handed you to me. I held you as close to me as possible trying to will you to life, trying to fix everything but all I could do was cry. Everyone held you for a while throughout the day, but they always gave you back to me. Eventually I gave you up to the nurse to wash you and for eve4ryone to take pictures and we had you baptized too. The hardest part of the whole was when the people from the mortuary came to take you away. I knew I would never see you again. That's when I cried the hardest. Ruthy kept telling me when she would hold you that you felt so warm from being in my arms but I never felt it. you always felt so cold to me. I hate that the strongest memory that sticks out in my memory is that of the doctor holding your limp body up so the nurse could confirm your death. When I think of you that's the first thing that comes to mind. Anyway angel I['m keeping your father awake with my crying. I love you, I write again tomorrow. always, mommy