Songs

Hey baby girl,

I'm sorry I haven't written for a while I'm trying to get everything straight in my head but I don't feel like myself. I have a hard time thinking and remembering things. Your grandma and aunt becky came to visit, it was nice being able to see them. I miss family. I went to a counselor for the first time the other day. Still not sure how I feel about it, I'm just not sure what this woman can do by me talking to her over what your Daddy can do. But anyway I found dome song that express a lot of what I've been feeling and wanted to show you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2CnUtVY35o&feature=player_embedded

"There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
people say that I am brave but i`m not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the one who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you"


Smallest Wingless

"Dear one, we've been waiting for you
Thrilled beside ourselves that you've arrived
White coats came in, heads held low
Talked for a bit, shuffled outside

We closed the curtains,
Held each other,
And cried
We said hello hello hello at the same time we said goodbye.

And smallest wingless, oh you came to us
Leaving as soon as you'd arrived
But sadness is just love wasted
With no little heart to place it inside

We closed the curtains,
Held each other,
And cried
We said hello hello hello at the same time

We closed the curtains
Held on to one another
And cried
We said hello at the same time we said goodbye. "

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBBTwyzLVkc&feature=player_embedded

"I’ll never get to hold you
I’ll never hear your sweet voice sing
I’ll never get to say ‘I told you so’
I’ll never read to you, or get to teach you anything

But you’ll always be my hope
You’ll always be my first light
You’re always gonna be daddy’s little girl
You’ll always be the strength I need to make it in this world
I only wish for one more day

I’m gonna miss your first day of school
I’ll never see you turn that page
I’ll never see you in your graduation gown
And I’m never gonna see you coming of age

But you’ll always be my hope
You’ll always be my first light
You’re always gonna be mommy’s little girl
You’ll always be the strength I need to make it in this world
I only wish for one more day

Sweet angel of mercy
Coming down to comfort me
Faith, sit right here beside me
I never want you to go away

I’m always gonna wonder how you’d look
Always gonna wish I took your place up there

You’ll always be our hope
You’ll always be our first light
You’re always gonna be our little girl
You’ll always be the strength we need to make it in this world
We only wish for one more day

We only wish for one more day "

I love you angel

Memories

I found out yesterday my friend is having a girl. It brought back so many memories of the day we found out you were a girl, a wonderful and tainted memory. It was the same day we found out you weren't going to live. I called mom cause I needed to talk, We talked about all the good memories we had. The first time you moved, the first time you moved enough I saw it through my shirt, The reaction your daddy had finally, picking me up, spinning me around and saying "we're having a baby" with this huge goofy grin. The first time that he felt you move, again with the big goofy grin, it was adorable. Everyone's reactions when they found out we were having a baby. I don't think I'll ever forget them.

Then we talked about how amazing it is, the amount of details I remember about both the day we found out and the day you were born. They were both wonderful and painful memories, but I like thinking back. I'm glad my memories of you are so detailed because they're what I'll go on for the rest of my life.

Having you made me realize how lucky I am though. In my whole life I've never really lost anything. I lost Jesse which was hard, she'd been our dog since before I was born. I still talk to my best friend from elementary school, we're not very close anymore but we're still friends. Never really lost a boyfriend either, we may have broken up but the good one I stayed friends with. She showed me what it was to lose and what it was to appreciate the little things, like feeling you move and being able to see and hold you. A lot of people that lose children when they're babes probably don't even get that much. t made me appreciate the time that I did have with you.

Good night angel, love you always. Mommy

Fun Sunday

Hey again baby girl,


I'm so proud of myself your daddy and I went to go visit a friend yesterday who had her baby about a week after you were born. I got a little teary eyed at one point but over all a was just happy for her and her baby is so cute :) Makes me wonder what you would look like right now, how much you would have grown.

After that we went to a movie and we got some ice cream, it was fun to be out on the town again, the movie didn't start for about an hour and a half so we walked and just talked about everything. It was nice to get away from everything and get out of the house.

Today I went a watched your daddy play soccer, it was pretty fun to watch though I got burned. I met another army wife there too. She seems really nice her name is Sarah. Her husband hasn't been here very long, and daddy might actually be getting into his class. Tonight we're going to watch army wives at Natalie's, it's probably terrible to say but it's kinda comforting to watch Roxy because she's going through the same thing. Though I would have preferred to watch her have a baby, which is probably why they have Denise get pregnant. Well angel I should be going. Remember I love you, and think about you all the time. Love Mommy

Emotions

Well baby girl you would have been four weeks old today. It's weird to think you were born that long ago. It's also weird to think I almost felt more together emotionally then than
I do now. For some reason I feel like I have no control. I've been doing really well emotionally and then last night I couldn't find a shirt and I was so frustrated I was shaking and when your daddy tried to help I got so angry at him for telling me to calm down. I yelled, I actually yelled at him for trying to comfort me. I don't know what's wrong with me lately, I feel like I have no control over my emotions. I feel like they are more wild than ever my brain can't decide if it's depressed or wants to go on a rampage. Last night after we calmed down and went to bed I just started bawling and all the things I had in my head just started to poor out, I'm sure your dad didn't understand half of what I was saying. And honestly I don't even remember half of what I said. I told him everything I've been thinking, about being jealous of so many people and how I hate that so many people I know are having babies around me. I told him that so many of the things people say to make me feel better just confuse me. Like everything happens for a reason or it was gods plan, or the one that's bee bothering me most lately, there are many versions but it's simply that we get challenges to make us stronger... stronger for what? What am I being prepared for? Because I'm pretty sure that if it's worse than losing you it's not worth it.

Lately the thought pops into my head is about wondering when I'll e ready to try for a baby again, but it worries me so much that something like this will happen again. I had a terrible dream the other night, at least I think it was a dream, that your dad and I waited longer than we thought to try again and I got in a terrible car accident that scrambled my insides and though nothing else was wrong I would never be able to have children again. That thought scares me so bad... :) I want you to have siblings

I started work today, figured it would be good for me, but I have never not liked office work so much in my life. I answer the phones, but I don't get to help anyone I just figure out who to transfer the call to so they can help. and normally I file, I love filing but I didn't get to do that either, I got to put papers in alphabetical order so someone else can file... I feel so useless and like I'm getting nothing done. :) I doodled your name a few ties when I was bored lol I don't think I've ever written anything so beautiful in cursive in my life. It just came so naturally for some reason.

Well angel I'm going to spend some time with your daddy... not yelling tonight :D I love you always and forever. Sorry all I do is rant to you, you make me feel better. Good night my baby girl

Kitty

Hi again angel,

Sorry I wrote so ate last night, I couldn't sleep because I was thinking of you. today's much better than yesterday though. I talked to Aunt Sara and that made me feel a lot better. It doesn't hurt as much to talk about you anymore, it makes me smile telling people you got my nose and your daddy's lips. I think my favorite is still your feet :D They were the cutest, and the best part? Your daddy says they look just like mine. It's fun to imagine what you would have done. Would you have danced like I did? Or maybe you would b more into sports. I wonder if you would have been as clumsy as I am lol.

:) Do remember that stray cat we started seeing after we found out about your defect? At least I don't remember seeing him before then. Anyway he's back, he came back yesterday and he hasn't really left since. I like to think you sent him to me for company. It feels good to pet a cat again, it's been a little while. Thank you baby girl, it does help.

Alright baby girl, I need to get some stuff done around the house. I'll write again sson. Love you always, Mommy

June 8th 2010 2:18am

Not sure how to start this... I'm sitting here thinking of you baby girl. Wondering what I could have done, and what I can do now. You were born May 13th at 10 am exactly. You were 2 pounds and 8 ounces but 14 inches long. :) You had your daddy's lips and hands and my nose and feet. You were so beautiful baby. You were born 10 days after my birthday and 10 days before your mine and your daddy's anniversary. It was as if you planned it that way. your grandma wanted me to go to the doctor while I was there, and even though something inside me told me she was right I didn't want her to be, because if she was right I would get less time with you that I planned. In my head I still had two months with you. Your dad rushed home to take me into the doctor where they confirmed my fears. my water was leaking and you had to be delivered soon. So we called the family who rushed out to see us and you. The nurse we had at first was nice but she looked sad and I was trying to be positive. The doctor came to see me and my water actually broke for the first time then. they moved us into a bigger room knowing we had lots of people coming. pretty soon grandma and donkey were there, which made me relieved now that they were there things could go as fast as they like but for some reason I wasn't cramping like a should. It was painful I'll admit but nothing how I imagined it. Everyone got there and it was all just a waiting game. I could still feel you moving around inside me and it was comforting, as long as you would keep fighting so would i. The doctor came and checked me the next morning and my water broke again. Now things were moving fast and I was scared, scared to give birth scared of what you would look like, scared how long you would be with us. At this point I couldn't feel you but the last time they checked your heart it was slower than before. At that point I knew I probably wouldn't get to feel you squirm in my arms or have you look at me. The time came for me to push and I was so scared. Grandma watched you be born and told me you had big eyes. as soon as you were the world went silent. You weren't moving and I knew you were already gone, the nurse only confirmed it. They wrapped you in a blanket and handed you to me. I held you as close to me as possible trying to will you to life, trying to fix everything but all I could do was cry. Everyone held you for a while throughout the day, but they always gave you back to me. Eventually I gave you up to the nurse to wash you and for eve4ryone to take pictures and we had you baptized too. The hardest part of the whole was when the people from the mortuary came to take you away. I knew I would never see you again. That's when I cried the hardest. Ruthy kept telling me when she would hold you that you felt so warm from being in my arms but I never felt it. you always felt so cold to me. I hate that the strongest memory that sticks out in my memory is that of the doctor holding your limp body up so the nurse could confirm your death. When I think of you that's the first thing that comes to mind. Anyway angel I['m keeping your father awake with my crying. I love you, I write again tomorrow. always, mommy